Cartea pe Net










Chapter IV, partea I-a




Returning to the theme of using the having mentality, instead of using the being mentality, we can address one aspect where this paradigm is ruinous for human relationships: love.

Love is energy and as such, it’s an emotion (as in e-nergy in motion). Energy has no beginning and no end. Energy is endless. Therefore, one cannot ‘have’ love but only ‘be’ in love.

The business model of “give and take,” which deals with material values (you can have my presence and expertise and I can take a check for giving you my time), never works, no matter how persistently the modern man is trying to apply it, in love. The definition of insanity, in fact, is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.

One can always give love and receive (be given) love but never ‘take’ it. The effects of love are phenomenal for one’s life; love gives life a superlative meaning. The famous Biblical quote of Corinthians 13, 4-8 describe its effects and eternity:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” (The Holy Bible, New International Version, Biblica Inc, 2011).

Incidentally, the reason why Paul wrote that letter to the Corinthians was to emphasize to them the etheric aspect of love which was much confused by the Corinthians with the carnal aspects of lust. Paul wanted to create a clear distinction between the finite physical attraction of the human in us and the infinite energetic interaction of the being in us. When we confuse the two or deny the being-ness in us, we set ourselves out for superficiality and somehow expect that infinity will come about out of it.

Energy is forever, which explains its eternity. The beauty of this energy which we call love is given by the beautiful thoughts we entertain for somebody, a people, a religion, a cause or certain ideas.

The romantic relationship model we can follow can be summarized as: give and be given.

       The modern definition of ‘love’ is having a man or a woman as a partner. The functional definition of love, however, is being with a man, or a woman. Based on these definitions, we can deduce that too often we seek instant gratification, having-based relationships (having sex, having a spouse, etc.) and expect being-based results (being in love, being with a spouse, etc.). What makes love eternal is being with a partner intimately, being married and so on; in other words, we seek long-term effects by using instant gratification mentalities and actions. Not even the “internet” of our mind, the so-called rationalizations, can create the wishful alchemy of transforming one into another, no matter how much we insist that this can be done. It’s like planting an apple tree and expecting that we can harvest oranges.

For example, the up and coming athlete who buys the trophy house, the trophy car and the trophy wife, ends up often being divorced by the latter because unlike the car and house (things), she is a human (being). Treating human beings as ‘have’ values will lead to such failures, because the materialistic paradigms are not suitable and therefore are not attracting being values.

       The original writing of love (amore) in Latin was ad-mortem. Loving somebody often implied to death (ad-mortem). Some individuals throughout history decided to kidnap rape and/or kill their partners rather than lose them (“If I cannot have you nobody will”). Some parents may use the same skewed understanding of ‘love’ by telling their children, “I brought you into this world, I’ll take you out of this world.” These people are using having values for a being value. They are not taking into consideration the facts which are that love is energy, conscious energy at that and that as such, it can be freely given or received but never be taken as possession.

In fact, love (ad-mortem) has more accurately been interpreted as being selfless to death in regards to somebody/something else which we love; therefore, it was meant the other way around, where the loving person would sacrifice himself in large and small and large feats (economically, mentally, physically, emotionally, by giving up his life if need be) in order to safeguard the loved person or cause.

Because our thoughts (beliefs and perceptions) and feelings are entirely in our control (short of mental retardation, indoctrination, psychological, emotional, or physical trauma), they are in nobody else’s control, which is why not even God or Satan, or companies, or governments, not to mention other individuals, can control them. These entities may try to influence us, by seduction or terrorization and we may even display a semblance of submissiveness towards them, yet love is only freely given. When this happens, love survives people, places, events and times. In fact, the one who freely sacrifices himself/herself for another, or for a higher cause, survives through the ones (people/ideas) for whom he had sacrificed himself/herself  much like the seed which sacrificed itself in order to give life to a new plant.

We can only control our thoughts, emotions, words and actions, which explain the ‘give’ part. We can only hope that somebody will choose his or her thoughts, emotions, words and actions to love us. When this happens, we experience the ‘being given’ part. If we are not happy with what is ‘being given’ to us we can walk away.

        Some people try to influence others’ feelings by providing them with ‘having’ values, in the hope that in exchange for their material gifts the intended person will return ‘being’ values (such as loyalty, attraction, dedication, love). This exchange has as much chance of success as the reverse of it has. Yet, humanity has been following this fallacy of thinking and acting for centuries.

It’s a little bit like using the AM frequency wave band to receive FM radio stations; it’s not going to happen, because the frequencies do not meet. By not meeting they cannot be responsive towards each other until syntony is achieved and one source adapts to the other source’s frequency. When the two sources resonate with each other on the same frequency they can then, experience synergy. The definition of synergy is: the interaction and cooperation of two or more organizations, substances or other agents, to produce a combined effect greater than the sum of their separate effects (Wikipedia, San Francisco, 2016).

Let’s assume now that both the AM and the FM frequencies are a necessary part of our auditory experience, just as our selfish (reptilian) and selfless (mammalian) parts of our brain are both part of our identity. We need to balance these two complementing and/or opposing aspects of us (depending on the case) in a way that creates a harmonious experience and quality of life for us.

To use the analogy of the AM/FM wavelengths, what ties or “entraps” both is the internet (or the inter-network), which is able to provide both the FM/AM emissions and/or receptions of their respective frequencies. Inter in Latin means “between” and Network was defined as early as 1550’s in English as “net-like arrangements of threads” ( With regard to the reptilian/mammalian parts of our brain, this interconnectedness and balancing is done in an attempt to achieve daily homeostasis, mentally, emotionally, physically and subsequently, in terms of our actions.

The reptilian part addresses our ‘having’ values, i.e. material needs (food, shelter, water, sex, safety, comfort), whereas, the mammalian part addresses the ‘being’ values (love, empathy, charity, sacrifice –even in terms of menial tasks and actions, done to assist others out of love and love alone).

In today’s world, where we are reputedly pestered by commercial and political advertisement indoctrinating us in the opposite idea, that is, that we can get ‘being’ values by using ‘having’ values, making a daily commitment to deflect that perspective and in fact keeping the two values distinct in our heads, can be taxing to our energies. The good news is that we can reframe our thinking into this healthy differentiation of values and by sheer practice, it can become a habit of thinking. Once this mind-frame becomes automatic, it creates a sort of inoculation against treating the two values as one and therefore, it allows us to use healthy thinking, triggering healthy emotions, words and actions, leading to a holistic (or whole-istic) course of actions and experiences.  

In conflict resolution, reframing our thinking is paramount to changing the foundation of our existence from thoughts to emotions and to actions. The foundations of our beliefs are based on the first seven years from home of our existence (as they say in Romanian, cei sapte ani de acasa). That “de acasa,” (from home) is very important, because those beliefs will lay out our perceptions, used to see the world and what it is acceptable to do, to function in it. If what we think is ‘right’ contravenes to social, moral and legal norms, it’s just a matter of time until we install ourselves on a road ranging from dysfunctional relationships, to criminal activities (leading to unhappiness and/or legal problems).

Fortunately, our brain listens to our mind and even modifies its connective neuronets in accordance to the kinds of thoughts we entertain, by a process called neuroplasticity. Rather than likening our brain to the unchangeable cement, forming the foundation of an edifice, we can liken it to clay.

Clay is defined by Wikipedia as: “stiff, sticky fine-grained earth, typically yellow, red or bluish-gray in color and often forming an impermeable layer in the soil. It can be molded when wet and is dried and baked to make bricks, pottery, and ceramics.” Therefore, there are two kinds of clay: the modifiable, molded when wet; and the immutable, baked clay. We can say that with regard to our brains, unless due to physical injury and/or organic diseases such as Alzheimer’s (which will “bake” our brains), the human brain remains malleable and open to reframing, like the wet clay, until the last day of our existence on earth.


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